


you are the sun, the moon and all of my scars

by winterfalconwarrior



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, M/M, Past Riley/Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson Feels, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sam Wilson-centric, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-14 19:24:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20606033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterfalconwarrior/pseuds/winterfalconwarrior
Summary: When Sam’s born, everyone looks at the baby in horror. The little boy has a big, angry scar all around his left arm. Everyone knows where it comes from without saying a word. Soulmates always have the same scars.





	you are the sun, the moon and all of my scars

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic and didn't really know where I was going with it. but only the best for sam's birthday bang, so I went all out. I'm really glad to take part in the big bang this year, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
I had a great partner in this. anis did the banner for my fic! you can find [anis](https://anisstaranise.tumblr.com/) on tumblr! thank you so much for this header and for teaming up with me on this!  
\- meret

* * *

When Sam’s born, everyone looks at the baby in horror. The little boy has a big, angry scar all around his left arm. Everyone knows where it comes from without saying a word. Soulmates always have the same scars.

Sam’s body actually gets a lot of them, starting from a young age, getting new ones for some weeks straight before it dies down again. They all fade weirdly enough, only the big one on his left shoulder stays. It doesn’t get better. Years pass, but the scar always stays the same.

Sam wonders what his soulmate has been through to have so many scars, to have a scar that never heals. He doesn’t know how to find his other half, how to make their life better. How to save them. 

* * *

When Sam is 10, he asks his mom if his dad and her are soulmates. She smiles at him, that tiny, soft smile she has for him and tells him to sit down. They sit next to each other on the couch, a big book with photos on their laps. She points at a photo that shows his dad and his mom in a park, smiling at each other. The edges are yellow, the colour fading away. Someone wrote “Darlene & Paul after they found out that they’re soulmates” on the back of the photo.

“It wasn’t easy. Finding my soulmate, I mean. There are a lot of people, you know? But your dad had this scar on his arm from when he fell down a tree once and I had the same scar on my arm and so when summer arrived and we were both wearing a t-shirt, we realised that it was the same scar. We were not sure, it could’ve been a big coincidence, but the moment he looked at me, eyes bright and with so much love, I knew he had to be my soulmate. He asked if he could touch it and the moment he did, it turned gold. I’ll never forget what it felt like, touching the scar you share with your soulmate. Your dad and I, we’d been in love with each other before we even knew that we were, in fact, soulmates. But our love just got stronger after we found out,” Darlene tells him. Sam’s hand is resting on his shoulder. They both know about the angry scar under his shirt, of course they do.

“You’re going to find your soulmate one day, Sam. I’m sure you will. It’s gonna be fine. You probably won’t be able to take the pain away, but you can make it better. People don’t always realise that they’re hurting when they’re missing a piece of their soul and your soulmate might mix this pain up with the pain from his shoulder, but when you find each other, the pain from missing a part of yourself will fade. And they will realise that there is less pain. I promise,” she tells him. Sam looks up when her hand finds his on his shoulder.

“I just wish I could take all the pain away, mama,” he tells her, “I don’t want them to be in so much pain.”

Her eyes are glistening with tears, just like his. She pulls him closer and he cuddles up into her side.

“I know that,” she tells him, “of course you don’t want your soulmate to be in pain. No one wants that. I’m sorry that you haven’t found them yet. But you’re so young, Sam. There’s so much time left to find them. They’re gonna love you, you know that right? They’re gonna love you so much.”  
Sam just nods. He wants to find his soulmate so bad.

* * *

Sam is 18 when he joins the army. It’s a good choice, he thinks. Serving the country. He also gets to do his degree. When he’s done, he’ll be called “Doctor Sam Wilson” Riley tells him. 

“I’ll call you that as soon as you’ve got your phd in hand,” he says and laughs. It’s a good thought. He meets Riley when he joins the army. They hit it off right from the start, growing closer and closer until there’s no more space between them. They talk about their soulmates one night. 

“Have you met your soulmate yet?” Sam asks into the dark. He knows that soulmates can be a harsh topic, but Riley and him, they’re close. It’s fine.

“No,” Riley answers from the other bed. Sam can hear him smile.

“Why, would you be jealous?”

“Maybe,” Sam answers without a second thought. It’s been going on for a while now, this thing between them. They don’t talk about it, not really. They’ll get the chance when they get home. Sam know that Riley isn’t his soulmate, he knew right from the start. But just because they aren’t soulmates doesn’t mean that they can’t fall in love. And god does Sam love Riley.

“You don’t have to be,” Riley tells him from his bed, “you were there first. You can call dibs.”

“I don’t think that that’s how it works,” Sam laughs. 

“Well, chances that you meet your soulmate aren’t that high anyway, so you could keep me forever, if you wanted to,” Riley answers.

“Oh I will, you don’t get to leave like, ever. You’re stuck with me,” Sam says. Riley just laughs.

“I’m glad,” he says, “I don’t wanna leave you. I wanna stay right by your side. As long as you’ll have me. If that means forever, that’s great. I’ll stay forever.”

“You’re my favorite wingman, you know that right?” Sam asks.

“Well yeah, because I opened the door to your heart for myself and I was winging it, right?” Riley says and Sam can hear the smirk in his voice.

“That and because you’ll always have my back when we’re up there,” Sam says and he knows that he sounds serious and vulnerable but he doesn’t care, not really.

It’s silent for a few minutes after that.

“How’s your back?” Riley asks. It’s soft and low and it sends a shiver down Sam’s spine.

“Healing,” Sam answers.

“I can’t believe they let you put the wings on even though they knew that they’d run too hot.”  
“I’m fine, Riley. You know I am. It’ll heal, leave nasty scars. But I’ll be fine.”  
“I never want to hear you scream like that again,” Riley says, voice shaking, “never.”

“I can’t promise you anything, you know that,” Sam tells him.

“Good night, Sam. I care a lot about you,” Riley says after it’s silent for a minute.

It’s their thing. I care a lot about you. Because they do care a lot about each other. 

“Yeah,” Sam says, “I care about you too.”  
Riley’s breathing slows. Sam lays awake. He’s on his back, the two long scars on his back burning. They’re two long stripes, a perfect parallel to each other. They’ll heal, he knows they will. The wing pack did a great job, burning through his jacket, through his shirt, bringing those stripes onto his back. He thinks about the look on Riley’s face after he woke up. Worry written all over his face but there was hurt too.

“Sam,” Riley had said, all choked up, tears threatening to run down his face.

Sam had felt it, the burning on his back. Looking at Riley he knew that they’d been right all along.

“I’m okay,” Sam had said, comforting Riley and himself. They didn’t have to be soulmates to fall in love.

“Yeah, you are,” Riley had answered, “you will be, as long as I’m here. I’ll stay forever, you know I will.”

“I know,” Sam had told him. 

* * *

Forever doesn’t last that long after all. Sam watches Riley fall. He’s sorry that Riley has to hear him scream like he’s in pain again. But that’s why he didn’t made a promise.

When Riley falls, Sam’s heart falls with him. Sam is numb when he lands, when they start to look for Riley, even though they already know what will be written down.

Sam is numb when he goes to Riley’s funeral. 

Sam is numb when he finishes his degree, when he actually gets to call himself Doctor Sam Wilson. Just like Riley always told him he would.

Sam is numb when he moves into his new apartment. He doesn’t decorate. He moves in, but he doesn’t make himself a home. He doesn’t feel like he deserves it. Having a home.

But life goes on. And Sam knows that he can’t act like it doesn’t. So he picks up a routine. Starts going to the gym. Joins a yoga class. Starts working at the VA. Joins group therapy. Starts to see a therapist. Buys the first mug that isn’t just white. Starts to go on morning runs, when no one else is at the park yet. Starts his own therapy group. Buys a rug. Pets the neighbor’s cat every morning when he leaves the house. Starts gardening. Continues his morning runs. Runs into Steve.

* * *

Sam is 32 when he finds out that Steve Rogers is a little shit. Sam feels like his lungs will give up on him any second now when Steve comes to a stop next to him, grinning like an asshole. The second Steve shows up, Sam knows that his routine will get a bit of a change. Steve Rogers, and he knows that from all his history classes, is known for getting himself into trouble. And since there’s no James Buchanan Barnes to pick up after Steve now, Sam knows that his easy life is about to get flipped upside down. He doesn’t really mind.

“Need a medic?” Steve asks and Sam already knows that he’s in trouble.

“I need a new set of lungs. Dude, you just ran like 13 miles in 30 minutes,” Sam tells him.

Meeting Steve sets off a whole chain of events. One second, they’re at a park, the next second Sam opens the door for Steve and Nat who tell him that they can’t trust anyone. And Sam feels alive again. 

“I thought you said you were a pilot,” Steve says.

Sam smiles. Thinks about the last time he picked up his wings. Thinks about the wind on his face, the feeling of being free. Of being alive.

“I never said pilot,” he tells Steve.

“I can't ask you to do this, Sam. You got out for a good reason,” Steve says, voice serious. He looks at Sam. _ “I know what it’s like to lose _ ,” his eyes say, “ _ I don’t want you to pick something up again that made you lose someone _.”

“_ You’re doing the exact same thing _,” Sam thinks.

“Dude, Captain America needs my help. There's no better reason to get back in,” he says instead.

Fighting Hydra is one thing. Fighting the Winter Soldier is another. Finding out that the Winter Soldier is actually James Barnes, Steve’s best friend, Steve’s soulmate if you believe what the books say? Brainwashed to become a weapon? That’s a whole new level. That doesn’t fit into Sam’s routine. 

Sam nearly feels bad fighting Barnes. But Barnes doesn’t know that Sam isn’t the one he should fight. Hell, Barnes doesn’t even know his own name.

When the last Helicarrier drops out of the sky, there’s no sign of Steve. Or Barnes. Nat is sitting next to Sam, who has his head buried in his hands.

“He’s fine. He’s out there and as soon as the area is clear we’re gonna look for him,” she says. He nods against his hands. Doesn’t believe her.

But against all odds, they find Steve. Barnes is nowhere to be found. Sam sits next to Steve’s hospital bed, looking at the guy who’s already healing. Sam lifts his shirt again, looking at the dark long spot on his stomach, that, as it always does, is already disappearing. He doesn’t know why it happens. It always does. He gets hurt, his scars stay. His soulmate gets hurt a lot. Sam should be covered in scars. But for some reason, he isn’t. They never stay. Except for the scar on his shoulder. That scar doesn’t even fade. He doesn’t know what his soulmate is doing, why the scars don’t stay. He isn’t sure if he wants to know. 

When he looks up again, Steve is staring at him.

“Steve,” Sam says. Steve keeps staring. Sam pushes his shirt down again and Steve looks up, focusing on Sam’s left shoulder as if he could see the scar through Sam’s shirt.

“Steve?” Sam asks, looking unsure.

Steve shakes his head and winces.

“That wasn’t so smart, was it?” he says, a smile on his face.

“What?” Sam asks, “fighting hydra? Trying to see if you can get Barnes to remember you? Going against him on your own? Nearly drowning?”

Steve closes his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he says when he opens them again.

“You better are,” Sam tells him, “so what were you looking at? You looked like you saw a ghost there for a second.”  
Steve’s smile fades into something uncertain.

“It’s nothing,” he says after a second, “it’s fine, I might be seeing things. With what, hitting my head and all.”  
Sam doesn’t really believe him. But he doesn’t push it. 

* * *

Sam is 33 and still looking for Barnes. He knows that Steve would be right by his side, but being an avenger makes you kind of a busy person, so Sam’s on his own. Barnes is good at hiding. Sam knows, because otherwise he would’ve brought him home already. He knows a lot about James “Bucky” Barnes, stories Steve told him and stories he saw at the museum. He also knows that Barnes won’t be that person anymore. But he still wants to bring him home.

Sam’s dad always told him that he should give people the chance to prove themselves. Sam doesn’t know Bucky from the past. So he hasn’t really made up his mind yet, because Barnes is still hiding. 

* * *

Sam is 34 when Steve’s world goes to hell. Over the years, they got to know each other pretty well, so Sam knows that Steve is lost. Barnes is there and lost too and he also kinda got framed for a bombing and now the avengers are falling apart and Barnes is sitting in the back of Steve’s car that he got from god knows where and Sam can feel Barnes’ knees pressing into his seat. Stupid, small car. 

“Can you move your seat up?” Barnes asks from the back and Sam sighs.

“No,” he says. He’s not gonna give up the room for his legs.

Barnes moves to the side. Sam watches him through the mirror. He can see Bucky from the 40s, the Bucky Steve talks about all the time. But he can also see the war in Bucky’s eyes.

Barnes lifts his head and smirks at Sam through the mirror. 

“What an asshole,” Sam thinks, but he keeps looking at Barnes through the mirror, blue eyes staring right back. Sam doesn’t mind. Not really. Barnes has pretty eyes.

* * *

Fighting half of the avengers is hard. Seeing Rhodey fall out of the sky is harder. When Tony lifts his hand and the blast hits Sam right into the chest, he flies back and just stays on the ground. Steve and Barnes made it. They escaped. He knows that it was the right thing to do. Watches them leave from his place on the ground. He’s glad that they made it. Bucky was right by Sam’s side, jumping in front of him to protect him.

“Couldn’t have done that earlier?” he’d asked when Sam finally activated Redwing.

“I hate you,” Sam had answered.

Bucky had only laughed before he got them both out of the spider webs.

“Disgusting. The future is so weird,” he’d said when Sam pushed himself up. Sam had laughed. 

Sam doesn’t want to get up. Doesn’t want to see if Rhodey is still breathing. He knows that if he’d taken the hit he wouldn’t push himself into a panic attack right now. Because he wouldn’t be able to do so. He also remembers how Rhodey always complained about the suit being too heavy. His wings couldn’t lift that much weight even if Sam wanted them to. Sam doesn’t know if Rhodey screamed while falling. He doesn’t know if he wants to know.

A shadow falls over his face. Someone sits down next to him.

“I’m sorry,” that someone says.

“It’s fine, Scott,” Sam answers. Lets himself get pulled into Scott’s arms anyway. They both know that he’s lying. He doesn’t have to say it. It’s written all over his face.

* * *

Sam is still 34 when he becomes a prisoner. He doesn’t fight them. They’re somewhere under the ocean, it’s not like he can escape. So he thinks about Steve. And Bucky. Hopes that it was worth it. Tells Tony where they went because Sam believes that they can fix this. Tony doesn’t come back. Steve does. Steve always does. He breaks them out, the whole team, brings them away. Sam pulls his shirt over his head and comes to a stop. Stares at himself in the mirror. Stares at his arm in the mirror. The scar is still there. It’s angrier than ever. New scars make their way from the original one, burning themselves into Sam’s skin. Sam wants to go to his soulmate, to comfort them, to get comfort from them. It’s a good thought. But he doesn’t believe in miracles. And finding his soulmate just in this moment would be a big coincidence. So he pulls a new shirt over his head, a soft sweater. Hides his hands in the sleeves. Looks at his black eye in the mirror. One of the bruises on his face is already fading. The big bruise on his rib cage is healing too. So those belong to his soulmate.

Steve is flying the quinjet. Sam lets himself fall into the set next to him. Steve looks tired. 

“I’m sorry,” Sam says. He doesn’t even really know what exactly he’s sorry for, but he really is. Steve just shakes his head. Then he turns his head to really look at Sam. And smiles.

“What?” Sam aks.

“Nothing. Nice sweater,” Steve says, a real grin on his face now.

“Is it yours? I can take it off, it’s not a problem. It’s just really soft and I-”

“It’s fine, Sam. Wear it as long as you want,” Steve says. He doesn’t answer the question. Sam keeps the sweater on and falls asleep in his seat. He doesn’t see the fond shake of Steve’s head.

* * *

Sam is 35 when Bucky comes out of cryo. T’Challa calls them, telling them about waking Bucky up. Nat turns the quinjet around. Steve can’t sit still. Sam would never admit it, but he missed Bucky.

“Nice sweater,” Bucky all but smirks when Steve is done squeezing the life out of him. Sam looks down. It’s the sweater he’d found in the quinjet back when Steve first brought them all to wakanda. Sam had kept it since Steve hadn’t said who’s sweater it actually was. Which means-

“You little shit,” Sam says as he turns to Steve. Steve smiles.

“You want it back?” Sam asks Bucky, “I can totally give it back, it’s fine.”

But Bucky shakes his head.

“You look good in it,” he tells Sam, eyes so bright and alive, it makes Sam’s knees weak.

* * *

Sam is still 35 when he catches himself being interested in someone again. Ever since Riley, dating wasn’t something he cared about. Riley and him, they were made for each other.

But now there’s Bucky, with bright blue eyes and that small smile that’s only for Sam. And Sam might be interested. Which doesn’t mean he acts on it. But he knows how he feels. And he’s got eyes. It’s not hard to fall for Bucky.

But maybe Bucky had a soulmate. Maybe being a prisoner of war makes you feel like a soulmate is not important. Like love is not important. Sam doesn’t know. Steve always smiles at them when he finds them in the living room, wrapped around each other, Sam’s head on Bucky’s chest. Bucky always wears gloves, ever since he got his new arm, he wears them. No one asks. They can all think of enough reasons. It’s not their decision.

* * *

Sam is 35 and tired, when Bucky whispers “Hey Sam?” into the dark. They’re laying in the same bed, because Sam get nightmares and so does Bucky. It helps. 

Bucky’s gloved hand finds Sam’s. Sam squeezes.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Bucky asks.

“I do,” Sam tells him.

“Have you met your soulmate?” Bucky asks, voice small.

“I thought I did, you know? But then he fell out of the sky and even though he wasn’t my soulmate, it felt like I lost mine,” Sam tells him.

“Riley,” Bucky states. It’s not a question. It’s a memory, the both of them in Bucky’s bed, Sam pressed against Bucky’s side, telling him why he screams for this one guy most of the nights. So Sam just nods.

“What about you?” he asks Bucky.

“I-” Bucky starts, “I don’t know. I don’t know if there was one, once. I don’t think so. Steve would’ve told me. I would probably remember.”

“You think you could still find your soulmate?” Sam asks.

Bucky sucks in a breath.

“You think someone survived 70 years and is waiting for me?” he laughs.

“Maybe he was born when you were busy getting brainwashed, you know?” Sam says.

It’s silent for a moment.

“Steve said I never got scars when we were young. That I was always wondering if my soulmate wasn’t born yet. But ever since I’ve been here, I realised that I actually have scars. So maybe they’re out there. Who knows, right?” Bucky answers.

“You want to find your soulmate?” Sam asks.

“I don’t have to. There’s someone who’s always on my mind already,” Bucky says.

Sam doesn’t answer. He’s not stupid after all.

“Do you want to find your soulmate?” Bucky asks.

“I don’t know,” Sam answers, voice honest.

“That’s fine, Sammy,” Bucky whispers and squeezes Sam’s hand again.

* * *

Sam is 36 when he realises that he’s in love. Love never came around the corner all of the sudden. Love found it’s way into Sam’s life by being silent and growing slowly until he realised what was going on one day. 

“You wanna hang out today?” Bucky asks.

“Sure,” Sam answers, “what, you want to watch like ten other episodes of that stupid baking show?”

“It’s not stupid,” Bucky tells him. Then he winks at sam and turns to walk into the living room. 

“Whatever you say,” Sam laughs. He stays in the kitchen for a moment. Maybe this is it. Maybe he doesn’t need a soul that is his perfect match. Maybe being right here with Bucky by his side is his perfect match. The scar on his shoulder is fading. Sam noticed a few days ago. It’s not angry anymore. It’s still a big scar, but not angry and red. Sam is glad that his soulmate is starting to heal. He turns and looks at Bucky, who’s on the couch and he thinks about Steve and Nat and how they always look at him and Bucky and how Bucky told him some days ago that he’s gonna stop wearing his arm because he hates it and he doesn’t want it. Not for the moment. 

Sam thinks about his fading scars and about Bucky’s soulmate who may have been born after Bucky fell.

Then he walks into the living room and sits down next to Bucky.

“Can I ask you something?” Sam asks, voice thick already.

Bucky lifts his head in concern.

“Sure, what is it?” he says.

“I don’t know how to bring it up, but I think I’ve been stupid,” Sam tells him.

He pulls off the sweater he’s wearing, Bucky’s sweater, and watches Bucky’s face. Bucky is looking at his shoulder. His hands twitch, like they want to touch, but he still looks unsure. Sam knows what he’s waiting for.

“You want me to turn around?” he asks. Bucky nods. So Sam does.

The scars from his wing pack healed a long time ago. But they’re still there.

“Sammy,” Bucky says and he still doesn’t touch, but that’s fine, they’ve got all the time in the world.

Sam turns around again.

“I know,” he says and the tears in Bucky’s eyes match his own.

“Sweetheart,” Bucky whispers.

And Sam is done. He’s so tired. Of waiting, of missing chances, of hiding all the love he’s got for the man right in front of him. He climbs into Bucky’s lap, claims it like it’s been his place all along. And maybe it was. Bucky just looks at Sam. Like he’s Bucky’s whole world, like everything around him isn’t important. His hand finds Sam’s shoulder. They both watch when Sam’s scar finally turns gold. Bucky’s eyes are glued to it.

He lets Sam move, lets him lift his shirt and drops his head onto Sam’s shoulder before Sam’s hand find the scars on his back. Sam can see them turn gold. 

They’re quiet. Bucky is crying on Sam’s shoulder. Sam is crying too, his head leaning against Bucky’s. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t find you earlier,” Sam says.

“It’s fine,” Bucky answers, voice muffled because of Sam’s shoulder, “we’ve got all the time in the world.”

“We do,” Sam says.

And when Bucky lifts his head and smiles that tiny smile that’s only for Sam, Sam, for the first time, doesn’t watch it. He kisses it away. Right there, on their couch in the living room.

* * *

Sam is 36 when he finally finds home.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanna say that I'm really glad because there's a whole team and they all care about sam and brought this whole big bang project to life, answered questions and made working on this a whole lot of fun. thank you so much and thanks to everyone who just read my part for this. as always, let me know what you think.


End file.
